


Pain that won't disappear

by lulu_lumin00



Series: Lulu's story [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-29 20:06:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16271405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulu_lumin00/pseuds/lulu_lumin00
Summary: It is just too much. The pain, the hurting, everything.





	Pain that won't disappear

Pain.

That is what I remember from the earliest memories from my childhood.

Just pain.

It engraved itself in my flesh, my blood, my bones. Did I smile? Yes I did. For what I smile? I can't remember. There's no feeling to that smile. Only pain. Yes, pain is a feeling itself, no?

And then the pain manifest itself. Physically, mentally, metaphorically, literally. It spreads like wildfire. It put boulders on my shoulders, raking my body with it's weight. Taking spaces in my head, whispering nonsence non-stop. 

The pain flares. The thudding in my temples. The burning stretch across my legs. The painful numbing sensation in my arms. The burning in my stomach. The clamping in my chest. Pain, raking away, clutching, chaining my heart so hard it's hard to breathe. Every gasps I take only reminds me of the pain more and more.

The key to the lock was thrown away. The pain stays. And I found an outlet. I thought I was lucky. It adds the pain yet it takes it away. Even momentarily. I was glad the pain stopped even it it was seconds only, ticking away before the pain burns again. 

The marks on my skin. Beautiful. The only word I can describe it with. Beautiful. I can't leave my eyes off of it. My fingers tracing those angry red. No, no blood flows. Just marks. That I knew will fade away before I add new ones. 

The pain.... The constricting pain.... 

I was never a fan of that pain. But yet the scars took my mind off of it. The scars.... Beautiful. The sensation when my fingers ghosting across it.... There's no word I can put to describe that sensation. 

And the pain was forgotten.

 

Yet that is not the end of the story, no?  
The pain stays. It never goes. Still there, thudding, cramping, numbing, burning, clamping, scratching, chaining, constricting. Reminding me that the pain is always there. Not allowing me to forget, not a blink. Never.

I live my life with the pain that follows. Like my shadow it's there. They see me smile, they see me laugh. They see me bright, they say I'm brilliant. Am I? 

When behind the doors tears flow. No reason. Just this feeling of emptiness, this hollow space in my being, with the raking pain. On my physical body and the non-existent one too. The pain tortures me day and night. Not giving me a chance to rest even for a second. It follows, it burns.

It hurts.


End file.
